I had a chat with an old friend today, and at some point the discussion veered towards her parent's frustration with their life. She mentioned how they felt stuck, and how her dad seemed to be going further and further inside himself, almost the classic signs of depression. I had actually chatted to her mom as well recently, and they were examining the idea of changing things radically by moving to another country, but the discussion seemed to go nowhere, most obviously because they were afraid of things not working out. My friend told me that while they "hate" where they are, they would not be willing to risk what little they have already gained in order to make this change. For example, one of the options they were considering was for them to liquidate, move, and join a business venture run by a family member in another country. But it apparently wasn't as easy as all that to make this happen.
Well, this whole episode got me thinking. It sounded so similar to many other conversations I had in recent years about this topic. For some reason, I have ended up being mentor to a number of people in different stages in their lives who were feeling frustrated and yet stuck and were looking for advice, and I reached certain conclusions. These are, I suppose, rather well-worn conclusions, but I'll share them with you anyway.
First of all, fear is the greatest enemy of success. We all know this. However, the way fear manifests itself is what makes it so tricky to overcome. Before I go on, let me say that I am not a psychologist, nor do I have training in psychology. This is all based on my personal observations and the little bit of pop-psych I absorbed throughout the years. It might be complete nonsense, but it's my nonsense so I'll say it anyway.
Back to our main subject. The biggest problem if you will is that we, as humans, are very, very good at solving cognitive dissonance. For example, when thinking about quitting a truly unhappy job, the fear of falling flat on one's face following that decision - by not finding another job and eventually being doomed to a life of poverty - is almost overwhelming. Why is that? After all, the chances of that happening are miniscule for the most part, and it would really be the absolute worst case scenario. In today's mobile world, where people have multiple careers in their lives, there is always the chance of ending up doing something better and entirely different, not to mention the consulting option. Realistically, there may be a bit of tough times ahead but in the long run, things tend to resolve themselves positively, even if sometimes in unexpected ways. But don't ask me, even though I'm the poster child for this. Just talk to anyone who has truly made this "gutsy" move years ago. Generally, they have all found success and happiness in one form or another, and I have yet to meet anyone who, having made this decision voluntarily, regretted it when was all was said and done.
Logically, the chances of having to face the worst case scenario is very small. Yet most people prefer stability and reject change, certainly change with unknown or mostly unpredictable results. The dissonance in the above scenario arises through the fact that it makes sense to quit, even if there is nothing lined up, simply because it would provide much-needed relief and relaxation, leading immediately to better health and renewed energies. Thus is created perforce the cherished "positive thinking" needed to allow one to change one's life for the better. Yet the fear of failing miserably, however remote the chances are, keeps gnawing at one's confidence. It is, in fact, the fear of change itself that is driving this, creating dissonance. The way our brain tends to solve this is simply by emphasizing the fear, justifying it, making it seem far more real than should be in reality. The result? people stay put, develop depression, lose even more confidence, and the cycle repeats either until something breaks or, in greater likelihood, they retire unsatisfied and wondering what happened to their life.
The specific manifestation of this accentuated fear comes in the form of truly logical "against" arguments, which is what makes it so tricky to overcome. I have heard so many times people figuratively screaming how "right" a change feels to them in their gut - the best sign indicating that change needs to happen - and then come out with a litany of reasons why they should not make it. What will pay the bills? What about our car and mortgage payments? What about health insurance? How about the kids' schools? and these are just the reasonably valid arguments. You'll hear people complaining about how to finance their annual vacation or the next big purchase, not even realizing that they are framing the question in a way that guarantees they will not make the change (I'll let you figure out why).
Thing is, while these arguments are valid, they are completely irrelevant to the question of whether change needs to be made. They are simply a way for our brain to distract us and stop us from making the emotional commitment to change. And it is that commitment that is absolutely critical to being able to effect positive change. Until it is made, every reason and excuse will be taken into account, and the list will keep growing until we get too tired to consider the benefits. It's a nasty monster that keeps feeding on itself. And it takes a lot of courage to face it, because it is a monster that comes from within. I guess that's why people keep referring to successful self-made entrepreneurs who have risked everything as brave, even if they wrongly point to the actions themselves. Right sentiment, wrong attribution.
In other words:
Until the emotional commitment to change is made, no risk will ever become acceptableAnd the obvious corollary:
After the emotional commitment to change is made, every risk becomes manageableIt really is as simple as that. Once we allow ourselves to overcome the fear of change itself, everything else takes a from much more true to reality. Risks can be evaluated on their merits, so to speak. Financials can be figured out, cashflow can be assessed, adjustments can be made, and everything just seems to fall into place. Much more importantly, confidence is restored and opportunities are much easier to recognize, assess and capitalize upon. It becomes a risk management issue, and the actual change action happens when one's personal risk aversion factor is overcome. But at least it will be overcome. It's practically inevitable.
Of course, sometimes change is forced upon us, and it is then a matter of embracing change as opposed to fighting it. The classic large scale example occurring right now is outsourcing, which has created an abundance of opportunity for those in the IT industry who have accepted and internalized the changed landscape. But that's a completely different topic. Maybe another time.
