Why I haven't posted
OK, folks, sorry. So much going on it's tough to catch a breath and write. My travel schedule is insane; 4 days in Dallas a week ago, flying out to Israel in a couple of days, coming back a week later then flying to Alaska (in December!) two days after that. I think by the time I'm done I'll have developed a deep hatred for airplanes.
In addition, I find myself spending my spare time cultivating new relationships following our switch to a poly life style (our marriage now being open). I'll say this: when I was simply trying to recover from the shock of transition, I wrote a lot of material that took quite a bit of time to put down. As the shock wore off and I raised my head and started looking at the world with fresh eyes, the world just winked back and, well, responded. In fact, one of the things that is happening right now is that I have compiled a manuscript based on the largish volume of private writings from the last few month, and am having a discussion soon with a publisher about potentially using them as a foundation for a book.
More on that following progress on the matter.
a couple notes:
1) jealousy is not something set in stone, and it is certainly possible to overcome. Believe me, I had gone through the absolute worst of it, and emerged whole and better than before. In fact, I now count overcoming the green eyed monster as one of the most important personal growth factors I have ever experienced.
2) the poly community is making a grave but understandable error in its quest to gain acceptance. There have been quite a few recent books on the topic, but they all suffer from the same malady poly folks seem to exhibit when speaking to the mono world: saccharinity. All these books read like some sort of promotional campaign, focused as they are on the educational concepts of poly, and what it means to live in an open relationship. Nobody really discusses the ugly side, and the end result is unfortunate; you can't really get any sense of the million ways this hits you painfully in the gut when you try it out. Even worse, the community almost seems preternaturally inclined to become extremely defensive to any show of perceived negativity about the life style. Thing is, this makes folks less likely to want to discuss the matter... not more. They instinctively grasp that something in the communications is not kosher.
That is why I have compiled the manuscript. My book will reflect the emotional rollercoaster of my own journey from someone living more or less happily in a completely traditional marriage, through someone living with a wife who has chosen another lover, to someone living in an open marriage that is stronger, more realistic, and far more mature than the one he had before the transition. And believe me, some of the stuff I was going through was ugly. It will be highly intimate, very raw, filled with corrosive, poisenous and destructive thoughts and emotions and feelings, just as it will be filled with elation and acceptance and growth and understanding. At times I felt like I was developing a split personality, becoming bi-polar, maybe schizophrenic, as I was walking through the parallel paths of pain and learning. But as is always the case, the most valuable knowledge only comes from the greatest effort (somebody must have said it before, but if not, there you go, an old chinese proverb of my own invention). I have let a limited number of people, from different walks of life, sample it and they have all found many things to relate to in their own lives. It's a very personal journey and it will serve not as a manual, but as a shared experience, and one that, at its worst, was rather frightening. My point is that, like in anything else, switching to this paradigm has both its good and bad sides, and it should not be taken lightly. Nobody else really speaks about the bad stuff!
3) at the end of the day, foundational poly concepts are solid. The most important one: you CAN love multiple significant others, with no diminished capacity for loving any of them individually. I didn't believe it until it happened to me. But when it does - when it truly happens - it is mind blowing in its obviousness and simplicity. Of course, the challenge is that the people you love may not be open to, may be threatened by being loved non-exclusively. THAT conflict is not easy to resolve. But when they do... oh my.
Anyhow, with all the travel coming up I won't be able to post much, but I'll do my best.
In addition, I find myself spending my spare time cultivating new relationships following our switch to a poly life style (our marriage now being open). I'll say this: when I was simply trying to recover from the shock of transition, I wrote a lot of material that took quite a bit of time to put down. As the shock wore off and I raised my head and started looking at the world with fresh eyes, the world just winked back and, well, responded. In fact, one of the things that is happening right now is that I have compiled a manuscript based on the largish volume of private writings from the last few month, and am having a discussion soon with a publisher about potentially using them as a foundation for a book.
More on that following progress on the matter.
a couple notes:
1) jealousy is not something set in stone, and it is certainly possible to overcome. Believe me, I had gone through the absolute worst of it, and emerged whole and better than before. In fact, I now count overcoming the green eyed monster as one of the most important personal growth factors I have ever experienced.
2) the poly community is making a grave but understandable error in its quest to gain acceptance. There have been quite a few recent books on the topic, but they all suffer from the same malady poly folks seem to exhibit when speaking to the mono world: saccharinity. All these books read like some sort of promotional campaign, focused as they are on the educational concepts of poly, and what it means to live in an open relationship. Nobody really discusses the ugly side, and the end result is unfortunate; you can't really get any sense of the million ways this hits you painfully in the gut when you try it out. Even worse, the community almost seems preternaturally inclined to become extremely defensive to any show of perceived negativity about the life style. Thing is, this makes folks less likely to want to discuss the matter... not more. They instinctively grasp that something in the communications is not kosher.
That is why I have compiled the manuscript. My book will reflect the emotional rollercoaster of my own journey from someone living more or less happily in a completely traditional marriage, through someone living with a wife who has chosen another lover, to someone living in an open marriage that is stronger, more realistic, and far more mature than the one he had before the transition. And believe me, some of the stuff I was going through was ugly. It will be highly intimate, very raw, filled with corrosive, poisenous and destructive thoughts and emotions and feelings, just as it will be filled with elation and acceptance and growth and understanding. At times I felt like I was developing a split personality, becoming bi-polar, maybe schizophrenic, as I was walking through the parallel paths of pain and learning. But as is always the case, the most valuable knowledge only comes from the greatest effort (somebody must have said it before, but if not, there you go, an old chinese proverb of my own invention). I have let a limited number of people, from different walks of life, sample it and they have all found many things to relate to in their own lives. It's a very personal journey and it will serve not as a manual, but as a shared experience, and one that, at its worst, was rather frightening. My point is that, like in anything else, switching to this paradigm has both its good and bad sides, and it should not be taken lightly. Nobody else really speaks about the bad stuff!
3) at the end of the day, foundational poly concepts are solid. The most important one: you CAN love multiple significant others, with no diminished capacity for loving any of them individually. I didn't believe it until it happened to me. But when it does - when it truly happens - it is mind blowing in its obviousness and simplicity. Of course, the challenge is that the people you love may not be open to, may be threatened by being loved non-exclusively. THAT conflict is not easy to resolve. But when they do... oh my.
Anyhow, with all the travel coming up I won't be able to post much, but I'll do my best.
posted by Blinkered at 6:40 AM
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